(no subject)
Jun. 22nd, 2006 06:06 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
captain_philFirst off, Happy Birthday to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jungle_goddess. Hope ya have a great day!
Here's my Horriblescope for
Your fantasy life is much more interesting today than reality, PHILLIP. Who can get any work done when there is a running soap opera going on inside your head. You have to keep daydreaming just so you know how the story ends. You are likely to accomplish very little of the tasks you had set for yourself. Tomorrow, alas, you may need to be doubly productive in order to make up for lost time. A Soap Opera? Here lately it's been more like late night cinemax, or along that line anyway *adjusts halo*
Here's some jokes from
SUNBURN
A man fell asleep on the beach under the midday sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."
TRIP TO THE TRACK
A substitute teacher was called to teach the third grade. She was an avid horse race fan and it was the day of the big derby. However, she needed the money and agreed to teach. She thought about the race all morning, and as post time neared she decided it would be a good learning experience for the children to take them to the track. So she called the bus company and asked the driver to pick them up. They arrived at the track about 30 minutes before post time. As soon as they got off the bus the children needed to go to the bathroom. She left the boys at the men's room and took the girls to the lady's room. When she came back to get the boys, they told her the urinal trough was too high and they couldn't reach it. By this time it was 15 minutes until post time. She asked if there were any men in restroom and they said no. She said, "Well, come on and I'll hold each of you up while you go." The boys lined up and she began to hold them up one by one. After she had helped several, she picked up one who had an unusually large penis. She exclaimed, "My god, are you just in the third?" He calmly replied, "No ma'am, I'm also riding in the fifth."
IN COMMON
Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.
BIG NIGHT OUT
There were three buddies talking at lunch about the night before. The first guy says, "Man, we drank way too much. I got out of the cab and barfed all over the front lawn. Boy, was the wife ever mad." The second guy says, "That's nothing, I was so drunk I drove the car right through the back of the garage. I didn't even know it until I came out this morning to go to work." The third guy says, "You guys don't know what drunk is. I came home last night and I blew chunks." The first guy says, "I told you I threw up all over the place." The third guy says, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."
DATING ADVICE
One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?" "Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!" "What should I do?" asked Gloria. Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."
jungle_goddess. Hope ya have a great day!Here's my Horriblescope for
Your fantasy life is much more interesting today than reality, PHILLIP. Who can get any work done when there is a running soap opera going on inside your head. You have to keep daydreaming just so you know how the story ends. You are likely to accomplish very little of the tasks you had set for yourself. Tomorrow, alas, you may need to be doubly productive in order to make up for lost time. A Soap Opera? Here lately it's been more like late night cinemax, or along that line anyway *adjusts halo*
Here's some jokes from
SUNBURN
A man fell asleep on the beach under the midday sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."
TRIP TO THE TRACK
A substitute teacher was called to teach the third grade. She was an avid horse race fan and it was the day of the big derby. However, she needed the money and agreed to teach. She thought about the race all morning, and as post time neared she decided it would be a good learning experience for the children to take them to the track. So she called the bus company and asked the driver to pick them up. They arrived at the track about 30 minutes before post time. As soon as they got off the bus the children needed to go to the bathroom. She left the boys at the men's room and took the girls to the lady's room. When she came back to get the boys, they told her the urinal trough was too high and they couldn't reach it. By this time it was 15 minutes until post time. She asked if there were any men in restroom and they said no. She said, "Well, come on and I'll hold each of you up while you go." The boys lined up and she began to hold them up one by one. After she had helped several, she picked up one who had an unusually large penis. She exclaimed, "My god, are you just in the third?" He calmly replied, "No ma'am, I'm also riding in the fifth."
IN COMMON
Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.
BIG NIGHT OUT
There were three buddies talking at lunch about the night before. The first guy says, "Man, we drank way too much. I got out of the cab and barfed all over the front lawn. Boy, was the wife ever mad." The second guy says, "That's nothing, I was so drunk I drove the car right through the back of the garage. I didn't even know it until I came out this morning to go to work." The third guy says, "You guys don't know what drunk is. I came home last night and I blew chunks." The first guy says, "I told you I threw up all over the place." The third guy says, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."
DATING ADVICE
One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?" "Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!" "What should I do?" asked Gloria. Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."
